A Minor Irritation

This is bugging me. It's not socio-political. It's nothing that really makes a difference in the world. In fact, I'll admit, it is nothing but petty, verbophilial hair-splitting, but it bugs the holy fucking hell out of me:

On the bag of Pirate's Booty (a relatively healthy cheese puff snack made by Robert's American Gourmet in case you didn't know), there are several thought bubbles coming out of their product logo character, a dashing pirate complete with eyepatch and parrot. The thought bubbles read "Crunchy", "Shiver me timbers", "Yo ho ho", and (here it is) "Thar be good". "Thar be good"? THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Translated into common English, that means "There is good". Unless they are making an abstract statement that there is in fact goodness in the world, that statement is syntactical nonsense. It seems like some sort of variation of "Thar she blows" which isn't even a pirate saying, but a whaler saying.

A message to Robert's American Gourmet: Making delicious healthy snacks is not enough. Read more books, buy a dictionary, and if you don't understand something ask a grownup.

Laws That You Weren't Aware Of

It is a law that all alcohol and drug treatment facilities must have insipid names (Serenity Meadows, Clean Horizons, Starting Points, Inspiration Ranch). That's how you tell if you have a drug or alcohol problem: If you don't find the names nauseating, you're fucked up and need help.

It is a law in all major cities that in the poorer neighborhoods, the back row of seats on city busses must at all times contain one of the following: A woman talking about how her children were taken away by CPS, a woman talking about her kids in a way that would get them taken away by CPS, an obviously broke person telling someone else how to handle their money, or two or more teenagers talking at high volume.

It is a law that at some point between the age of 8 and 14 all girls must contemplate changing the spelling of their names.

By recent ordinance, it is a law that all families who make under $30,000 per year, if they have one or more male child, must name at least one of them something that rhymes with "Aiden" (Braden, Jayden, Hayden, etc).

It is a law that models who model inexpensive clothing must wear as much of the clothing as possible. Conversely, it is the law that models who model expensive clothing must wear as little of the clothing as possible. Models for the most expensive clothing on the market, must be naked.

It is a law that any Whole Foods store must contain at least four lesbians at all times.

It is a law that any independently owned health food store must contain at least one person that looks absolutely terrified of something that only they know.

It is a law that during any night of Karaoke at some point a minimum of three drunk women in their early 20's must sing a song with their arms around each another.

It is a law that all airport security stations must have on staff one short, overweight, angry looking woman.

It is a law that within the city limits of all incorporated municipalities in the continental United States, at least one movie theater must be playing a movie featuring an African-American man dressed as a woman.

It is a law that all drag queens must be surly.

It is a law that persons bearing any of the following job titles are required to smell oddly pleasant: Baker, Dental Hygienist, Second Grade Teacher, Used Book Seller, Massage Therapist, Waitress or Waiter in an Italian Restaurant, Waitress (but not Waiter) in a Japanese Restaurant, Buddhist Monk, Veterinarian.

It is a law that downhill skiers must cultivate a nonspecific disdain for things in general. Cross Country (Nordic) skiers are not affected by this law.

It is a law that persons of a religious inclination must frequently miss the point.

It is a law that all fisherman, when asked about their catch, must make a full disclosure and offer a conjecture as to why.

By law, accountants are guaranteed the right to be interesting people, but only by special license.

You are required by law to laugh it at his article.

Things For Which You Should Be Able to Be Excused From Work/School

1) Ennui
2) Girl Trouble
3) Boy Trouble
4) "My morale is in the crapper."
5) "We were out of coffee and it just set me off for the whole day."
6) Sudden artistic inspiration
7) In love
8) Dumped
9) Dog looks kinda lonely
10) Too sunny
11) Too rainy
12) Person in bed with you just looks toooooo good
13) Suddenly realized you're mentally only 8 years old
14) "My bed is like a womb and you have no right to pull me from this paradise."
15) Up late reading (come on, that's self improvement!)
16) Premonition of impending doom
17) Need some exercise and typing just doesn't cut it
18) Song stuck in head all night prevented any quality sleep
19) Person in next cubicle's grating voice is driving you batshit
20) Suspicions of voodoo curse
21) Full moon last night, you're a werewolf, and you're tired
22) That flute's not going to learn to play itself
23) "I hate my job and all my coworkers and a day off might make me hate them less."
24) "That news story really freaked me out."
25) The suspicious number of coincidences yesterday bear investigation
26) Brilliant idea in dream was interrupted by alarm and you need to try to get back to that dream and write it down. The future of space travel is hanging in the balance, damn it!
27) Embarrassed because you did/said something stupid yesterday
28) Did something really cool and need to do some struttin'.
29) That racist thought just won't leave your head and you shouldn't go to work thinking shit like that.
30) Sex injury