2 Words I Made Up

Falacio
1) the act of pretending to perform oral sex, as they do in (non porn) movies
2) the act of performing oral sex grudgingly, while acting like you enjoy doing it
3) the act of peforming passive-aggressively poor oral sex; that is to say oral sex so bad that you will never be asked to do it again


Lesbariner
1) a small woman who is sexually attracted to very tall women (think climbing)

Jesus Owes Me $50 - part 2

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "
I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me."
The Lord replied,
"Are you fucking kidding?! There are almost 7 billion people on the planet! I had things to do!"
Then he kicked me in the balls and took my wallet.