Facebook for Luddites

One of my faithful readers (possibly my only reader) refuses to get on Facebook. Her reasons are sound so I won't bug her about it. However, she's missing some of my best one-liners and as possibly my only fan she deserves a larf. Here then are some of my funniest status updates from the past 3 months:



I can't tell you how comforting it is that I finally know all about Jamie Lee Curtis's bowel troubles. When I was a kid I would often wake up in a cold sweat, tormented by the thought "What if I never find out whether or not that girl from Halloween and The Fog occasionally can't poo?!" Now I know. Thanks, TV.


I'm going to change my name to Ansalem Enselmo and start a jazz combo. I'll call it the Ansalem Enselmo Ensemble. We could visit schools and have an Ansalem Enselmo Ensemble assembly.


Every morning I want to punch the preacher guy with the Public Access show who takes the same bus as me. Why? Because he has a courier bag, just perfect for carrying books in, but he insists on holding his bible in his hand. So he's basically trying to show the world how holy he is. Apparently he hasn't read Matthew 6:6-8.


A good clue that the story you are listening to is fiction: When the name of a character describes his or her function in the story.


John McKenna just wants to eat, drink and be...Mary. [snap]


Dear Customer, Congratulation! You are the lucky user of my last shred of compassion for the mentally ill. By yelling at me and insulting my intelligence for not answering a question you NEVER ASKED, you have forced me to retire from my role as a caring person. I'm sure my friends and family will learn to appreciate my newfound lack of empathy.


Q: What do all scientists who don't believe in the G-Spot have in common?
A: Short fingers. http://www.alternet.org/sex/145504/meet_the_scientists_who_think_the_g-spot_doesn%27t_exist




I have evidence that alien civilizations are visiting us but it relies exclusively on a drastic redefinition of the words "evidence", "alien", "civilizations", "visiting", and "us". I am using "that" and "are" in their traditional senses though and James Randi can't prove otherwise.


Every time I pass a "Pedestrian Underpass" sign I think "Pedestrian Underpants" and I giggle to myself, temporarily becoming a mildly retarded 8 year old (as opposed to the mildly retarded 12 year old I am the rest of the time).


An elegantly simply answer to "Why is there something instead of nothing?": That which tends to exist (something) will tend to exist. That which tends to not exist (nothing) will tend to not exist. In a nutshell it is illogical to assume that nothing is the natural state of things.


WARNING: Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.


So, when Toucan Sam was repeatedly saying "follow your nose", was that just his way of saying "Okay, there's no actual fruit in Fruit Loops...but it kinda smells like there is."?


Y'know what really bugs me? Stuff. On the other hand, y'know what's really cool? Stuff.


I think in 2010 I am going to take my Freudian slips in a nude erection.


Hey, preacher man, I can't say for certain because I've never met him, but I'm pretty sure the omnipotent creator of the universe is not impressed with your hat.


Word of the Day (that I just made up): Metaphasia -- when you can't remember the word Aphasia.


Best comic book movie ever? 'Prick Up Your Ears'. That fight scene when Doc Oc kills Commissioner Gordon with a hammer was awesome!


No, it's very important that you fax that instead of emailing it because it's still 1990 and wood pulp has maaaaaagical power.


John McKenna is very [positive adjective]...except when he's not.


Avatar was toootally the best movie ever made...except for all the ones without, schlocky Cameronesque dialogue, 2D characters, trite storylines, and gigantic plot holes. (C'mon, Sully was nearly naked. Where was he getting all that ammo?) On the other hand, I rather enjoyed the game I invented while watching: "find the nipple".


I know we're all brought up with this myth that geniuses are hard to work with, but unnecessarily complicating the already complicated theatrical process does not make you a genius. It just makes you a pain in the ass. Not getting along with your teammates is a sign of weakness not talent.


I'm going to become a suicide balmer. I'm going to rub soothing lotion on myself and everybody around me.


We all know that canned Spam is disgusting, but have you ever had fresh Spam right of the Spig? Delicious. Oh if only we had not hunted the Bolognadons to extinction.


Hey! There's no baby in this bathwater! What have we been holding onto this for?


This horny cat is just ruining everything.


My New Year's resolution is 1152 pixels by 864 pixels. No wait, that's my new screen resolution.


I just sat in as a departmental advisor at a strategic planning meeting. I feel so grown up. I guess it's time to start shaving and looking at girls.


Thanks to Micheal Buble, I'm feeling a bit 'adult contemporary' today. Would you care to share a bottle of wine by the fire and talk about our feelings?


If you wish to be taken seriously when criticizing atheism, you might want to refrain from mentioning Cambodian dictator "Paul Part". The rest of your arguments just seem silly after that.

Truth! - part 13

The following statements are true (even if not all Macacqs are Trou):

I look forward to the day when "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is replaced with "HA! I totally called that!".

Most of what we call "trivia" in the game sense is not actually trivia. Most of it is really just general knowledge. Trivia is trivial, meaning "of no consequence". Knowing the British Prime Minister during WWII (Winston Churchill) is not trivia. Knowing the top selling soft drink in the DC Comics universe (Soder-Cola) is trivia.

If you are male and someone asks you if you're watching the Super Bowl and you say no, they will then ask you why. "Busy? Not your team? More into other sports? " If you are female, they won't ask you why. Why should I have to defend my lack of interest simply because I own a penis?

A weird coincidence: The Tao Te Ching, the book by which one interprets the I-Ching is called the "Book of Changes". I-Ching is done by throwing coins. In the west sometimes we call coins "change". "Ching" is a bit like the sound of falling coins. Doesn't mean a thing but I find it funny.

Emotions are not illogical. They, like all things, follow the dictates of logic. The issue is that too many of the variables involved in emotional response are unknown because they are internal to the one experiencing them. The external observer would have no knowledge of the internal variables, and the experiencer has a distorted view of the variables because of the emotional reaction they produce. Therefore neither the experiencer nor observer are able to predict an emotional situation with any reliability.

Saying you do or don't like Jazz, is like saying you do or don't like salads. What's in the salad? Lettuce? Potatoes? Dog shit? What are the ingredients of the Jazz? Sometimes it's iceburg lettuce (Glen Miller). Sometimes it's swiss chard with blue cheese and pear vinagrette (Miles Davis). Sometimes it's dog shit (Kenny G).

The best thing the Abrahamic religions have done for the world, arguably the only good thing, is the weekend. Sabbath schmabbath, but 2 days off work is pretty cool.

I'm 6'2" 210 lbs and have a comically large head. I want to replace my Jeep with one of those tiny little Smart Cars, just because it would always be funny to see me get out of it.

"Late adopter" is synonymous with "cheap bastard".

I don't enjoy reading in the strictest sense of the word "enjoy". Not in the same way I enjoy sex or good food or watching movies. I like having read things. I enjoy having the stories or knowledge in my mind once I have read them. The actual act of doing the reading though is not what I do it for; I do it for the results of having read. It's like house cleaning. I enjoy the clean house, but the actual act of cleaning is not the enjoyable part. There must be a word for that distinct type of delayed enjoyment. Maybe in German.

I stumbled upon an exquisite form of revenge against someone who chronically won't shut the fuck up. 1) Get him stoned 2) Read aloud from your blog until he pees his pants and runs from the room.