Sad

The world just lost a little charisma.

Bye, Nickel. Thanks for licking my face.

Something we all agree on...

Y'know, it's a bit presumptuous when commercials and PSAs say "[insert issue] is something we all agree on." Dreadful grammar aside (sentence ending in preposition), who says we all agree on anything?

Case in point:

"Supporting our troops is something we all agree on."

A nice positive sentiment and for the most part true, but still, it's a bit of a sweep isn't it? Personally, I'd say I support almost all of the troops. The guys from poor families who had no other options but to join? Absolutely. The patriots who consider war a last resort but feel that it is a necessity in this case (arguable, but I wouldn't question their integrity)? Sure. The soldiers who are under the naive impression that they're defending freedom, and have yet to realize that they are actually defending the wealth, power and unenlightening self interests of the Neo-Cons? Yes, even them. The gung-ho guys who have wanted to be soldiers since they were kids for no other reason than being able to shoot people (You remember these assholes from high school, doncha?), and who let out an involuntary "Woo hoo" at the thought of killin' some'a them raghead sand niggers? Nah, I don't support those guys. In fact, take the kevlar off those those guys and give it to somebody else who isn't a complete prick.

Now I realize that most of the time there is no malign intent when an ad makes the assumption that we all agree on something. For example, the troop support thing I heard on an ad for the USO, a good organization that performs an important service. It is however a dangerous territory of thought. Despite the dystopian reality of the USA right now (and really throughout its history--slavery, Indian killing, oppression of women, consumerism, Dollywood), I really do appreciate what the US stands for on paper. William Burroughs called America "The last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams" and I agree. You could say with American ideals, I love the album cover, even though the music kinda sucks. One of the great ideals that this country was supposedly based on is dissent. The idea that we don't all have to, nor should we all, agree. We are strong because we have a variety of opinions. Or, more to the point, we SHOULD BE strong because we SHOULD have a variety of opinions. Don't get me wrong. There are far worse things than assuming we all agree, but I bring up the issue because I've never heard it discussed before. I'm admittedly splitting a semantic hair, but I think it should be split at least once. We don't all agree on anything and that's one of the last great things about this fading republic.

On the Crown-of-Thorns of a Dilemma

How does one hate hatred without being guilty of hatred? How does one oppose prejudice without being prejudiced against the prejudiced? How does one fight against violence when fighting is a violent act? How does one stop religious intolerance when those that are guilty of it are the religious and to stop them is to not tolerate them?

I was reading an article just now in The Progressive about a young man who was not allowed to wait tables at a presidential dinner of some kind, simply because his name was Mohammed. I was outraged of course, knee-jerk liberal that I am, but it got me thinking: I'm not a big Islam fan myself. I hate the idea that Muslims are constantly and automatically scrutinized as potential terrorists, but to be honest, while I think Christianity is infantile, primitive, and dangerous to everyone involve or even nearby, I'd be lying if I said Islam isn't just as bad. The struggles in the Middle East are inevitably characterized as Muslims vs. Jews, or Christians vs. Muslims, but from my perspective, and I would imagine the perspective of most people who are neither Christian, Jew, nor Muslim, it always seems like Christians/Jews/Muslims versus the normal (not insane) people. The fact is, (my previous post on Antisemitism aside), all three of the big Middle Eastern monotheistic religions have caused more pain, suffering, intolerance, torture, ignorance, fear, and violent death than any other force in human history. That's not opinion either; a cursory glance at religious history will confirm that without a doubt. "Religious fanaticism should be treated as mental illness and most religious people are morons" is an opinion. One I hold, but one that is backed up by nothing more than the lack of evidence for the veracity of these religious delusions coupled with my 36 years watching people kill each other (on the news) and leading unhappy, unfulfilled, jaw-clenchingly dull lives (in person) based on this nonsense; no stats though.

So, on to the dilemma. I love my fellow humans (although I suspect it may just be Stockholm Syndrome), and I want them to be happy. One of the biggest changes that needs to happen in order for them to be happy is to dispose of Yahweh, Allah, Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, Joseph Smith, John Calvin, Martin Luther, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, the Apostle Paul, and all the other historical holy rollers of literalist monotheism (emphasis on "literalist"). Coldly, methodically and without anger, amputate them from the popular consciousness like a gangrenous limb, because that's exactly what they are. But the problem is [dramatic musical declension] that is 100% religious intolerance. Oops. So here I am stuck at an impasse on the moral high ground. I want humans to stop being monsters, and the only solution I can come up with involves becoming a monster.

Now the wise person, when counseling me on my passionate desire to make the world a happy, healthy, fulfilled, advanced, evolved place, by getting everyone to be happy, healthy, fulfilled, advanced, evolved people, will inevitably use a word that I never really learned properly: "can't". You can't force people to think. You can't drag people towards enlightenment if they are not ready. You can't enforce compassion. You can't make people happy if they are predisposed to be unhappy.

Can't, can't can't.

I hate can't. Makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough.

Truth! - Part 2

The following statements are true:

There is only one reason why you should care about someone else's sexual orientation, and that is that you, yourself, want to have sex with them (or, if you are a helpful yenta-type, and you want to set up your friend with them). Otherwise, it doesn't affect you at all, and your interest in the subject is somewhat suspect.

Those who can't do, teach. Those who lack the knowledge and intelligence to teach, often write theatrical reviews in their town's alternative newspaper.

If you are allergic to a food, you should not be allowed to say "Ewww" when you see or smell it. You are genetically predisposed to not like it, so your "Ewww" has no objective truth in it.

Similarly, if you never liked meat in the first place, you don't get to call yourself a vegetarian. You're just a person who doesn't like meat. I don't like mushrooms, but you don't see me smugly labeling myself because I refuse to eat them. "Vegetarian" should be reserved for people that like meat and have actually accomplished something by giving it up.

People that are offended at the possibility that we evolved from apes, clearly need to spend more time with apes. Monkeys throw poo. Humans invented the flamethrower, napalm, fragmentation mines, mustard gas, and testicle clamps for car batteries. Seems that the apes should be offended, not us.

I'm supposed to have above average intelligence, but most of the time, I feel really confused. I hate to think how everybody else feels.

If you shut off your inner dialogue, that is to say prevent your mind from formulating words, for more than a minute or so, the world melts and begins to vanish. No joke. You should try it.

Some of my favorite people are sluts. In fact, I've met many "decent" (non-slutty) people who, if you were to scratched their surface, you'd discover they lacked basic compassion and humanity. I've never met a slut like that. I've met a few thoughtless sluts, but none that I could call heartless. Perhaps there's something inherently healthy about touching people and viewing them as playmates instead of possessions.

The overwhelming majority of the country hates the president now and disapproves of the Republican party. That is somewhat gratifying, but only somewhat. Mid-term elections are coming up and it should be a Democratic sweep. Yippee. I feel like Ripley at the end of any of the Alien movies; the monsters are stopped, but the whole cast is dead because no one listened to her. Not to be a sore loser, and dig up dead issues, but those of us who have always disapproved of the president and his party of criminals, told you this would happen six years ago. We told you from day one of his campaign that he was a stupid, greedy, lying, incompetent, war-mongering, privileged, frat boy who has no more understanding of life than Paris Hilton. We told you. And now thousands are dead in the middle east, the economy is in ruins, any trust we had garnered around the world has vanished, all the strides made in air and water quality during the 90's are shot to shit, and gas prices are artificially raised to absurd heights, all because you were too stupid to listen to us. Now you finally disapprove of the president. Fuck you guys.

Antisemitism

I have a confession to make. Now this sounds very bad on the surface, but if you hear me out it should (I hope) resolve itself into merely stupid and naive. It's just something that I've never put down in print in all its glory and I thought I should unburden myself of this, not guilt exactly, but embarrassment:

Part of me finds antisemitism funny.

Horrible, I know, but let me explain. First off, it's not the dominant part of me that feels this way. It's in the formative, childlike part of my personality. It goes back to my first exposure to it. Having grown up and lived all of my life in the Pacific Northwest, among middle class Catholics, I really didn't have much exposure to Jews. Now I can't speak for the entire Catholic world, certainly not Mel Gibson, but in the churches and schools that I attended, we were never fed the "Evil Jews killed Jesus" point of view. As far as I could tell, since he had the power to get out of it at any time, Jesus killed Jesus, the Romans helped, and the Jews just happened to be nearby and had a thing for Barabas, whoever he was. That's how my child mind absorbed the information; Having grown up and read a few books, I now realize that's not exactly how the story went, but all I'm saying is I was never indoctrinated by the church with "Jews are bad". Beyond being characters in this boooooring story they made us listen to in poorly ventilated churches with uncomfortable pews, to me Jews were comedians. They were Mel Brooks and Woody Allen and Jackie Mason and Jackie Vernon and Henny Youngman. They were funny and self effacing and intelligent and charming. They were about the least threatening people I could ever imagine. In fact they were people I thought would be pretty cool to hang out with (except for Don Rickles of course). This very well could be why I'm a comedian today. I wanted to be as charming as Gabe Kaplan (Mr. Kotter) when I grew up. When I, somewhere in my preteens, first heard that some people believed that Jews were evil monsters bent on controlling the world, I thought it was a joke. I pictured Woody Allen trying to take over the world, and I figured they had to be kidding. It was too absurd to be true. Like God and Santa Claus and Reaganomics.

Now, having aged and been in the world a bit longer, and met some truly fucked up people, and seen photos of the holocaust, and heard the insane ravings of...well, frankly, a lot of people, I now understand with more than a little embarrassment, "Oh. This isn't just not joke. This is extremely grave. A lot of people genuinely hate Jews for no other reason than their heritage (or in some cases baseless conspiracy theories). People die because of this.". My adult, pacifistic, well read, reasonably educated mind, knows that antisemitism is a terrible, terrible thing. Prejudice makes me extREMly angry and sad. But deep down that little kid that first misunderstood it as a joke (or at worst the sincere beliefs of maybe 5 insane people at most), finds it funny. As an adult comedian, I've really had to be careful of this. Comedy is simultaneously precise and instinctual. Our experience and intelligence tells us what's funny but it's those early formative experiences that tell us what to laugh at. For what it's worth, my Hebrew brothers, I apologize for my naivete.

Ahhhhh, feels good to get that off my chest. Maybe someday I'll tell you all why I think teen suicide music is funny.