Friday, March 30, 2007

Vagina Philosophica

I have an odd, abstract, philosophical question for the owners of vaginas. I was listening to Wanda Sykes doing standup yesterday and she was doing a bit about how great it would be to be able to remove and leave her pussy at home sometimes. I won't go into detail about the jokes, but it got me thinking, if you were to remove your hootie as Wanda described, what would you be removing? I have always thought of it as a container or space, but the space/container is created by the presence of a physical structure surrounding it (labia, vaginal walls, etc). Using the allegory of a cup, when you think of your vagina are you thinking of the the walls of the cup or is it the space inside? Assuming it were detachable, if you were to remove it, would you be removing the outer structure the creates the location, or would you (more abstractly) be removing the location itself? Removal is not my main interest though. The main question is this: What is your ya-ya to you on a psychological, philosophical level? Location or object?

Feel free to call me a pervert if you like, but please post your views on this. I really want to know.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Truth! - Part 6

The following statements are true. Some of them are even double plus true (triple plus true while drinking victory gin):

Y'know what word you never hear anymore? Mercy. You'll occasionally hear it as an ironic expletive ("Mercy, me!"), but you never seem to hear it in its original meaning. I wonder if it's just an aesthetic/fashionable shift in language, or if it's because the concept is vanishing from our minds. Like how equatorial cultures don't have a word for snow. Have we stopped saying "mercy" because we've stopped practicing it?

If you approach so-called miracles logically, it says some pretty bad stuff about the deity you think is responsible. Say a seven year old child is in a hospital with leukemia. The outlook doesn't look good and the child is considered terminal. The leukemia suddenly goes into remission for no reason. Praise Jaysus, it's a miracle! There's another terminal child in the next bed. His leukemia doesn't go into remission. In fact, nobody else in the entire ward experiences a miracle. So God, omnipotent being, not just powerful, omnipotent, picks one person out of billions of sick people to grant health. Did the others do something wrong? Can a child of seven years old have done anything to either deserve a miracle or deserve a lack of a miracle resulting in agony at the core of his bones? Miracles are, by their very nature, rare. That rarity is the key to a very important concept. Either God is a cruel, torturing, insecure, childish motherfucker, and we are the ants caught in his magnifying glass, or (here we go again) HE DOESN'T EXIST!

My next point is in response to what you're thinking right now (Yes, I'm reading your mind.), if you are a big fan of God and the whole miracle concept. The standard response to this sort of criticism of the big guy is "God works in mysterious ways.". Catholics might also recognize this as one of those "Divine Mysteries" the priests talk about. That's a religious trick as old as religion. Mystery means something you don't know. Saying "God works in mysterious ways" means exactly the same as "I don't know." but it's phrased in a way that makes you sound like you know the answer. "I don't know." states a negative; "God works in mysterious ways." disguises this negative as a positive, and you get to act like you're wise and learned and have the inside track on the mind of your fictional daddy figure. The truth is, your story is not logical, is full of holes and inconsistencies, and no matter how pointy your hat is, you don't know anymore than the rest of us. However, I know one thing that you don't know: There is no such thing as...do I really need to say it again?

While we're at it, the very concept of God is the ultimate avoidance of saying "I don't know.", isn't it. Why is there something instead of nothing? I don't know. See how easy that was?

Okay, I'm on a roll here. Y'know what made me an atheist? MAD Magazine. I can remember the moment it happened. I was about 9 years old, reading MAD, and there was a cartoon with high schoolers where somebody said there are no atheists during finals. I had never heard that word before. I asked my mom what an atheist was and she said "somebody who doesn't believe in God". It hadn't even occurred to me that that was on the menu! That made so much more sense to me than anything I had been taught by parents, priests, or nuns. It took me another 2 years to say it out loud, but from then on, I was an atheist. Thanks, MAD.

Tarot cards work. They are also fake. Seems contradictory, but resolving the contradiction is where the "magic" lies. Skeptics would have you believe that tarot is completely bullshit, essentially because the reasons that most tarot readers give for it working ARE bullshit, or at least inaccurate. Here is how they work, and it's pretty cool: Tarot occasions deep, introspective conversation. It provides an excuse for this introspection to occur. I liken it to party games like Spin the Bottle, or Truth or Dare. Sexy talk and sexy actions are sometimes difficult for people and have a hard time occurring spontaneously. The purpose of Spin the Bottle of Truth or dare is to provide context within which the sexy stuff can easily occur. Tarot works the same way with intense self-evaluation. The cards themselves mean nothing, they're just paper and ink, but the act of the reading and the psychologically weighty imagery on the cards help trick your thoughts you into a mode of reflection. Examining your life is a good thing, and tarot can go a long way to lubricating that process.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

A Couple More Not-So-Quick Observations...

Sex and Violence
We really, really need to stop conflating these two unlike things. I recently saw A Clockwork Orange:Remix at Open Circle Theatre and then had to rewatch the movie from which it was adapted, and it really struck me that if these two activities weren't so unnecessarily tied together in the human consciousness, we would all be much happier and healthier. For the official human record (consider this a corollary to my 'Truth!' columns), violence is a bad thing, sex is a good thing, and there is no no NO reason for them to be equated. To do so is insane. Violence is about making someone feel bad. Sex is about making one or more people feel good. If sex feels bad, something is wrong. Similarly if violence feels good, something is also wrong. The phrase "Sex and Violence" should not exist as an inextricable pairing, but as a pair of opposites like black an white, this and that, or Yin and Yang. This may seem a little overblown, but I think it's actually possible that if sex and violence could be divorced in the minds of all humans, rape would no longer occur. So that's your assignment, readers: Figure out how to correct the thinking of every living person. If you can figure out how to do that...well, I've got some other things I'd like you to work on too.

Thank God
If you win an oscar or a grammy or a golden globe, don't thank God. There are a number of reasons for this. First off, it's conceited to believe that God favored you over all the others that didn't win. Second, unless you were planning on blaming God if you lost, thanking him for the victory has no meaning. Third, a being that can create a nebula, let alone an entire universe, has more interesting things to look at than your shitty movie. Fourth, God does not exist and deep down you know it; you're just afraid to admit it because you think it might be a test of your faith. Fifth, and most important, thank yourself. If you have worked hard enough to master an artistic discipline, if you had the vision to create a piece of art, if you have managed to touch an audience in some way, a fictional deity didn't do that; You did and you desreve to feel good about it. In fact the effort that a limited human artist puts into even the easiest project is far more than what an omnipotent being puts into creating the universe. Even if God did exist and did help, by God's own nature it would be impossible for him to exert effort in doing so. Only the limited can exert effort. Thank yourself. It was your sweat, not God's.