Masturbation and Prepositions

Masturbation has a preposition problem.

When discussing pleasuring oneself, if one were inclined to discuss such a thing (not me certainly as I am far too genteel), one is invariably presented with a choice of prepositions and no set rule by which to choose. This applies to all euphemisms and slang terms for masturbation as well. Say you have an erotic image, be it material or mental . Do you jack off ABOUT it? Do you beat off ON it? Do you spank your monkey TO it? Do you punish the bishop BECAUSE OF it? Do you abuse yourself AT it? Do you jill off FOR it? Do you slap your tuna WITH it? What is the verbophile wanker to do to gracefully express his or her self love? Here's a preposition proposition to help guide our usage: TO we can reserve for audio/visual media as it implies a real-time relationship. ON we can use for print media, photos, paintings, or written word as they appear to have a surface for something to be ON. ABOUT can be applied to thoughts or memories. FOR tends to imply that you have a person with you (stripper, jack buddy or circle jerk, voyeur victim, phone sex operator). AT, being locational in nature, shall be reserved for men and ejaculatory women only and shall be used for all material objects at a distance, audio/visual media, print media, photos, and other people, to indicate the motion of a bodily fluid toward that object. WITH would have two uses. 1) When the stimulation is derived from direct contact with the object and 2) with audio/visual media, similar to the usage of TO but implying that your pleasure is synchronized with the subject(s) of the media. BECAUSE OF shall not be used as 1) it is extremely clumsy and inelegant syntax and such a healthy, joyous act should only be spoken of with aplomb and 2) it implies that the act is someone else's fault and there ain't nobody wackin' it but you, ya dirty birdie.