Truth! - Part 3
The following statements are true. If you question their veracity, the terrorists win:
Most people are just pretending to be adults.
Language is a fluid and evolving structure. It is good that it should be so. Grammar, correct pronunciation, and knowing the official definitions of words or phrases, however, serve one vital function that should not be forgotten. Most educators don't know what that function is which is why these rules seem arbitrary. The function they serve is to make sure that people aren't talking without thinking about what they say. When you stop thinking about what you say and why you say it, you become susceptible to lies, misunderstandings, propaganda, coercion, and myriad varieties of verbal sleight of hand. You become less aware and therefore less human.
Babies and pets are viewed by grocery stores as roughly the same type of creature. You can tell by the way baby food and pet food are marketed, shelved, and sequestered within the store. One aisle each.
If it's made of plastic, you should not be able to call it a Tonka toy. If you can't beat the other kid in the sandbox to death with it, it's not Tonka.
Nerf used to make foam balls and nothing else. Now they primarily make guns. I think that's sad.
Most people don't put much value in missing somebody. It's just an inconvenience that will eventually pass. You shouldn't devalue the fact that you have someone to miss.
Stage magic foments cynicism. I would daresay all magicians and would-be magicians started doing magic because they wanted just that: to REALLY do magic. Then we learn tricks and find out that it's just about fooling people. Magic may look amazing to the audience, but from the back, where the magician is, it looks ridiculous, and frankly it's amazing to me that people fall for it. Every time I do some coin or card trick to distract a child or impress a drunk, part of me sighs at how sadly gullible people are. I never wanted to lie to people; I wanted magic.
The baseball cap needs to go away. If the brim is forward, you look boring. If it is backward, you look like a dork. If it's sideways or at any angle between 0 and 180 degrees, you look like a retard. So take 'em off boys. Cowboy hats too (except when worn in irony).
A sign that an aging lothario has finally hit a degree of maturity, is when he suddenly becomes attracted to people solely because they're decidedly unimpressed with his bullshit. Gaining a measure of maturity, while a good and desirable turn of events, nevertheless creates two difficulties: 1) He ceases to respect those that like him, because they're obviously stupid and 2) He becomes exclusively drawn to people who don't like him, because obviously those people are smart. Picture Fonzie at 50, driven to a life of desperate loneliness, because of this double bind. Sad, sad, sad.
You cannot defeat terrorism. Not because it's a superior opponent, but because it's not an opponent at all. It's a tactic. To be specific it's not even a tactic. It's a category of tactics. Attacking terrorism, in retaliation for a terroristic attack is like, in retaliation for Pearl Harbor, declaring war on air travel in general, and not questioning where the planes came from and why they attacked.
I have probably witnessed around 50 large fireworks displays in my life, but I can only picture about 5 specific types of fireworks. As of this moment, I've decided I'm sick of fireworks. Earthquakes? Now your talkin'.
People who sing along with their walkman or IPod or other earphone device should be whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Hit them sharply on the nose and say in a firm voice, "No".
Cat callers, on the other hand, men that loudly extol the physical virtues of the woman that just walked by, as if they had never seen a woman before should be given an award. Since they are obviously not doing it for the woman's benefit or their own, but are in fact doing it to demonstrate their healthy libido to the people around them, they should get what they desire. Loudly stop everything and with great ceremony and adulation present them with a trophy celebrating the glory of their adequately functioning penis.
Most people are just pretending to be adults.
Language is a fluid and evolving structure. It is good that it should be so. Grammar, correct pronunciation, and knowing the official definitions of words or phrases, however, serve one vital function that should not be forgotten. Most educators don't know what that function is which is why these rules seem arbitrary. The function they serve is to make sure that people aren't talking without thinking about what they say. When you stop thinking about what you say and why you say it, you become susceptible to lies, misunderstandings, propaganda, coercion, and myriad varieties of verbal sleight of hand. You become less aware and therefore less human.
Babies and pets are viewed by grocery stores as roughly the same type of creature. You can tell by the way baby food and pet food are marketed, shelved, and sequestered within the store. One aisle each.
If it's made of plastic, you should not be able to call it a Tonka toy. If you can't beat the other kid in the sandbox to death with it, it's not Tonka.
Nerf used to make foam balls and nothing else. Now they primarily make guns. I think that's sad.
Most people don't put much value in missing somebody. It's just an inconvenience that will eventually pass. You shouldn't devalue the fact that you have someone to miss.
Stage magic foments cynicism. I would daresay all magicians and would-be magicians started doing magic because they wanted just that: to REALLY do magic. Then we learn tricks and find out that it's just about fooling people. Magic may look amazing to the audience, but from the back, where the magician is, it looks ridiculous, and frankly it's amazing to me that people fall for it. Every time I do some coin or card trick to distract a child or impress a drunk, part of me sighs at how sadly gullible people are. I never wanted to lie to people; I wanted magic.
The baseball cap needs to go away. If the brim is forward, you look boring. If it is backward, you look like a dork. If it's sideways or at any angle between 0 and 180 degrees, you look like a retard. So take 'em off boys. Cowboy hats too (except when worn in irony).
A sign that an aging lothario has finally hit a degree of maturity, is when he suddenly becomes attracted to people solely because they're decidedly unimpressed with his bullshit. Gaining a measure of maturity, while a good and desirable turn of events, nevertheless creates two difficulties: 1) He ceases to respect those that like him, because they're obviously stupid and 2) He becomes exclusively drawn to people who don't like him, because obviously those people are smart. Picture Fonzie at 50, driven to a life of desperate loneliness, because of this double bind. Sad, sad, sad.
You cannot defeat terrorism. Not because it's a superior opponent, but because it's not an opponent at all. It's a tactic. To be specific it's not even a tactic. It's a category of tactics. Attacking terrorism, in retaliation for a terroristic attack is like, in retaliation for Pearl Harbor, declaring war on air travel in general, and not questioning where the planes came from and why they attacked.
I have probably witnessed around 50 large fireworks displays in my life, but I can only picture about 5 specific types of fireworks. As of this moment, I've decided I'm sick of fireworks. Earthquakes? Now your talkin'.
People who sing along with their walkman or IPod or other earphone device should be whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Hit them sharply on the nose and say in a firm voice, "No".
Cat callers, on the other hand, men that loudly extol the physical virtues of the woman that just walked by, as if they had never seen a woman before should be given an award. Since they are obviously not doing it for the woman's benefit or their own, but are in fact doing it to demonstrate their healthy libido to the people around them, they should get what they desire. Loudly stop everything and with great ceremony and adulation present them with a trophy celebrating the glory of their adequately functioning penis.
posted by John McKenna at 4:45 PM
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