Things I Don't Understand - Part 3
What's the deal with gay men and Judy Garland? I've asked, I've read, I've researched, and I can't seem to find an answer that couldn't easily be applied to numerous other stars, some of them even more appropriate. The standard response is the she had a rough life and still maintained her poise and dignity, or something to that effect. 1) That's not specific. The same thing could be said about a million other people. 2) It's not true. She hit stardom at an early age, had all the sex, drugs, and booze anybody could ever want, never had to deal with crippling poverty, and as far as poise and dignity goes, check out her later Christmas specials where she's about as sane and sober as a naked toothless Margot Kidder. Is it just about "Somewhere over the Rainbow" where Dorothy's lamenting how she feels hopelessly out of place in Kansas? Once again, not specific. Hell, that could describe Superman (a much better gay icon in my mind). Could they possibly be confusing her with Frances Farmer? Now there's a model for dealing with oppression and calamity within the Hollywood shit-twister; keep fighting and mouthing off until they lobotomize you. Much better than drinking yourself to death for no particular reason.
Why won't people shut up about Snakes on a Plane? Why am I even mentioning it? What the hell's wrong with me?
Women have internal genitalia and therefore less room to spare internally. And yet, they tend to have slightly larger bladders than men. Why is that?
Why aren't all bicycle "girl bikes"? All boys at some point slip and rack themselves on the cross bar. It's as inevitable as dawn. If the bikes that don't have the crossbars ride just fine, and the crossbars inevitably cause the horror of intense nut pain in half the population, why have the crossbars on any bikes? Some sort of rite of passage?
Who thought the Pointer Sisters were sexy, what were they smoking, and where can I get some? I've done a thing or two in my life but I've never been THAT high. Rod Stewart too.
Why is the music played in gay dance clubs structured the way it is? Supposedly the purpose of the music and dancing is to get all horned up in preparation for the hot man-sex. So why does it lack a peak (ie orgasm)? Why is it most often repetitive and rather even-keel? Why does it not follow the pattern of the male sexual response which you could visualize as pear-shaped (building wider and wider until it hits a certain critical mass and then rapidly receding)? Gay disco music actually imitates the female sexual response pattern which is a series of long plateaus (at least according to Susie Bright). You'd think that subliminal injection of the female sexual pattern would inspire a big ol' softy in the man zone. Apparently just the opposite though. How does that work?
Why don't we have solar panels on every available flat surface in cities? Seems an obvious power source to me. High office buildings, lots of surface area, not being used for any other purpose, come on it's a natural! And while we're at it, it's 2006. Where's my flying car?
Are there fundamentalist Christians that have actually read the bible cover to cover? And if so, how do they justify the numerous contradictions?
"I believe that deep down humans are good and worthy beings". That's what I often think. But when you really get down to it, I know that 80% of people aren't worth the paper their printed on. Most people don't even have the intelligence to recognize that as a metaphor and would probably think I actually believe people are printed on paper. I know this, and cynically act out of this lack of faith in humanity on a minute to minute basis. But still, on the surface of my mind, this naive and indefatigable faith in the innate greatness of humanity floats like a non-degradable styrofoam cup in a puddle. I assume, that no one is really evil and no one acts out of malice, only ignorance which isn't their fault. That all of us have the same potential for intelligence and that most just don't know how to apply it or think that they can. So on to what I don't understand: I have an unshakeable faith in something that I know is not true. What kinda whackjob am I?
Why won't people shut up about Snakes on a Plane? Why am I even mentioning it? What the hell's wrong with me?
Women have internal genitalia and therefore less room to spare internally. And yet, they tend to have slightly larger bladders than men. Why is that?
Why aren't all bicycle "girl bikes"? All boys at some point slip and rack themselves on the cross bar. It's as inevitable as dawn. If the bikes that don't have the crossbars ride just fine, and the crossbars inevitably cause the horror of intense nut pain in half the population, why have the crossbars on any bikes? Some sort of rite of passage?
Who thought the Pointer Sisters were sexy, what were they smoking, and where can I get some? I've done a thing or two in my life but I've never been THAT high. Rod Stewart too.
Why is the music played in gay dance clubs structured the way it is? Supposedly the purpose of the music and dancing is to get all horned up in preparation for the hot man-sex. So why does it lack a peak (ie orgasm)? Why is it most often repetitive and rather even-keel? Why does it not follow the pattern of the male sexual response which you could visualize as pear-shaped (building wider and wider until it hits a certain critical mass and then rapidly receding)? Gay disco music actually imitates the female sexual response pattern which is a series of long plateaus (at least according to Susie Bright). You'd think that subliminal injection of the female sexual pattern would inspire a big ol' softy in the man zone. Apparently just the opposite though. How does that work?
Why don't we have solar panels on every available flat surface in cities? Seems an obvious power source to me. High office buildings, lots of surface area, not being used for any other purpose, come on it's a natural! And while we're at it, it's 2006. Where's my flying car?
Are there fundamentalist Christians that have actually read the bible cover to cover? And if so, how do they justify the numerous contradictions?
"I believe that deep down humans are good and worthy beings". That's what I often think. But when you really get down to it, I know that 80% of people aren't worth the paper their printed on. Most people don't even have the intelligence to recognize that as a metaphor and would probably think I actually believe people are printed on paper. I know this, and cynically act out of this lack of faith in humanity on a minute to minute basis. But still, on the surface of my mind, this naive and indefatigable faith in the innate greatness of humanity floats like a non-degradable styrofoam cup in a puddle. I assume, that no one is really evil and no one acts out of malice, only ignorance which isn't their fault. That all of us have the same potential for intelligence and that most just don't know how to apply it or think that they can. So on to what I don't understand: I have an unshakeable faith in something that I know is not true. What kinda whackjob am I?
posted by John McKenna at 1:09 PM
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